Even after doing therapy for two years, I still struggle with giving myself a chance to engage on serious stuff I feel I'm not good at, maybe it's one of the reason why I'm so fidgety, always jumping into and ruminating about new activities.
But I've decided to change. I'm picking fewer stuff to stick to, to aim to improve and maybe being competent, and honestly it feels so liberating.
I also realize, while money has been tight for me since I got cancer (not because of the treatment, but because of how I don't have a lot of employment options), and money sadly is a huge factor for mental health, at this moment of my life I thankfully still have support from my family... so I will both invest on advancing my professional skills (I gotta actually learn R, I gotta study all the sciencey stuff I already forgot), but also I'll pour some conscious effort on the hobbies that give me serotonin, without thinking I need to do everything I possibly can to monetize them. Of course, it would be great to get some extra cash, but I'll just actively engage on activities, at my own pace, and I'll see how things move forward.
But also, I'm giving myself permission to always be open to trying and learning new stuff without feeling I need to get good at it. I can make sucky websites, I can type poorly-written blog posts, I can publish cringey TikToks, I can do anything I want and SUCK and still do the thing.
Both things aren't mutually exclusive. I can have stuff I focus on, stuff I want to improve on just because, stuff that is beneficial for me and my goals, and my career... but that won't deny me the joy of doing shit I just feel like doing, and doing an absolute, shitty af mess.
I'm feeling more confident about, eventually, finding my place in the world, leukemia and Imatinib side effects included.